Confessions of a Weary Heart and an Empty Womb

I sat with three friends this weekend laughing and telling stories. It was a perfect 'Girls' Getaway' trip - yummy food, fun shopping, and hilarious conversation. Leave it to me, Debbie Downer, to turn hilarious conversation into tears. My friends sat around the dinner table sharing their childbirth experiences. Sweet stories about how their babies were born; what their husbands did; who was in attendance - the stories touched my heart and then I did the most humiliating thing...I sobbed. I sobbed the 'ugly cry' in the middle of a fun girl's trip at a great restaurant in front of God and everybody! I sobbed. I apologized and then I cried more as I explained that it hit me as they told their stories that I may never have one of those stories to tell. Before you judge me for being self-centered and pathetic, please understand, you can't possibly be harder on me than I am on myself. I was mortified. I had managed to turn their wonderful most life-changing experiences into something about me and my journey. UGH!

I shared this humiliating story with a girlfriend when I got home and she reminded me of Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred (put off; prolonged) makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Hope deferred can make a grown woman cry at a dinner table with 3 best girlfriends while having a fabulous time. Hope deferred can make you mad, make you cry, make you cuss. Hope deferred can make you overflow with so many emotions that the best thing you can do is scream and cry and throw things. Hope deferred can make every journal entry sound like an Edgar Allen Poe reflection of your life. Hope deffered can make you pick up the phone, call your best friend and scream, "Why did God forget me?" Hope deferred can make you give up hope altogether. Hope deferred is when you beg people to believe on your behalf cuz you just can't get your hopes up anymore.

So that's where I'm at...hope deferred has made my heart sick. The roller coaster of the build up and then the let down is more than I can bare. I've resigned myself to being numb in the place of the 'build up' period. That way, if there is a 'let down' it won't be such a LONG way down!

I haven't lost my faith. I haven't lost sight of God. I'm just wrestling with the reality of not getting what I've hoped for, prayed for, waited for. I don't know how some women go through years and years of fertility drugs and procedures. I think I would lose what's left of my mind if we did this one more month. We have decided that if we get a negative pregnancy test next week we are going to take some time off. My spirit, mind, and body need a break. Brad is precious. He has been holding me through every second of this and he's ready for a break, too.
So this is where I'm at today. And it's okay. God's still allowing me to 'work out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12) - eventually I'll get it worked out...I'll be with Jesus at that point (LOL), but there will be no greater 'longing fulfilled' than that day!
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Jessica Phillips

Jessica is worshiper and follower of Jesus. He rescued her heart at age 6 but he rescued her calling, purpose and direction in her early 20's. Everyday God is still writing Jessica's story. It involves her husband, Brad, her daughter, Emery, their extended families. But the story is a tale of loss of life and dark grief. And the story ebs and weaves and the grief story is followed by weddings and laughter. And what comes next? A Baby! God sends us a baby to shape and teach and grow right in the midst of our loss and realizing that life actually moves forward. We didn't think it would again after he died. But life just did what it was supposed to do...and it went on. And hope is born again. Everything I write is based on this fact: I'm God's child, I'm alive today. So what do You want me to do for You? Because I want my contribution to matter. I want to leave a legacy.